Twazoid when storys go interesting
by Elli.Ackerman
Summary: Bella's a horse? Charlies a Manly-man? Edward is obsessed with... unvirginity-ning himself? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE!
1. Chapter 1

**TWAZOID. When story's go interesting.**

**HEADS UP: **I do actually like Twilight, i just dislike certain aspects and decided to hell with it, im going to make this as insulting, confusing and possibly only myself-due to my lunacy level- will understand it.

BIG KISSES TO KATE WHOM ENCOURAGED ME LMAO

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**TWAZOID- THE DIFFERENCES  
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Bella stood standing at her dad's car, clutching a cacti, thinking how boring she was, but, due to her authors desires and idea about turning her basic porno fantasy dream into a book, that millions of people read everyday, she decided to make the main character as boring as possible, resulting in a world wide epidemic of boring teenagers wanting to get bitten. This also led to a major increase in fork piercings.

"I am so boring" Bella said as she ran her hands through her long shiny mane.

Suddenly, and for no apparent reason a giant armadillo walks past "You think you have problems, i just got told that horses can act!"

Bella, to boring to be outraged, opted to lower her voice and talk like a man in a loud whinny.

Charlie, Bella's more interesting parent who doesn't look like a druggo and abandons his daughter without actually fighting to keep her, strolls up to her, holding his gun by his side, expressionless. "Bella, i am a man. And a man owns a gun and is chief of police in a small town no one cares about. Because of this i have to ask you emotionless and non-clingy-ily. Have you done something to your hair?"

Rolling her eyes and bobbing her head up and down, resulting in her barely there brain to fall out her horse ears and roll to the floor.

Later on after a boring ride to the house wear Bella managed to be more boring nd look even more like a horse she got to her room.

"I bought you a purple bedspread. Well i didn't because i am a manly man but i got a woman to get it for you" Charlie said, standing in her room, pointing to a mass of purple blankets that resemble reused vomit.

Bella shook her head in agreement and watched as Charlie walked off, talking to herself in her head because she has no life nor any friends. She sat down, still clutching a cacti that she dug up and ripped from his cactus family.

_HONK_

Bella sighed and stood up, trotting down the stairs, her long tail swaying side to side, she ran straight into the glass door. idiot.

"Bella! It's me, Jacob. A smart, heroic 16 year old who is related to wolfs! oh and you are Bella, who i made mud pies with naked! LOVEEEE MEEE!!!!!!!!!" Jacob cried, flinging his arms wide open and embraced Bella, smashing her ugly horse face beneath his armpits.

All the while they stood outside a beat up orange truck, that, amazingly, Bella didn't notice, due to the fact she was still contemplating nibbling on Jacobs hair, wondering if it was like straw.

"Bella, Bella. These emotional displays disturb me, i am a man after all. And i bought this car, thinking it was manly, and perhaps will make people notice you. If not for your starling resemblance to horses, but for thinking you have no taste" Charlie said. running his hand along the Shaft of his.... gun. INNUENDO!

"Thank you dad. This is nice of you. And if i could express myself other then doing an impersonation of a Elvis Presley car bobble head i would" Bella stated.

"BELLA BELLLLLA! LOVE ME! I MADE THIS CAR!" Jacob shouted, lunging for Bella like a hormonal dog.

Strangely a person walked past, not resembling Kate from real life in any way, wearing a big "I WANT PIE" shirt. "What the hell! you said i would be awesome Ellie!" she shouted at me... wait why am i in this story, shut up Kate!

Placing her hands on her hips she gave me a scary face, that made Bella whimper and hide behind Jacob, who got suddenly erected... -Standing straight i mean... INNUENDO! _hehe_- Due to her still clutching a Cacti that jabbed into his arse, because she is a butt kisser.

"Ellie! What the hell! you suck!" kate shouted, and, because i incorperated her into this story, i am in controll, so simply.

A gaint armidillo walked past again and stood on a wire, which set off ingenious traps which led to a very, very long monolouge which insuently led to my characters falling asleep in borem and kate to suddenly vanish on the armidillo shouting YEEHAAWS!

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Well people, i enjoy reviews... and if i don't get reviews I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!


	2. When Meetings Begin

**TWAZOID- WHEN MEETINGS BEGIN**

So here's chapter two. I've shown you Charlies a manly man, Bella's a boring horse, Jacob's a... well I'm not really sure yet lol. but know we meet.............. drum roll please..................................................

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**TWAZOID- WHEN MEETINGS BEGIN**

So after an eventful evening for Bella. That's right it WAS eventful, she finally put that cacti ON HER WINDOW SEAL! we head to the morning.

Bella sat in her beat up truck, swishing her tail and whining as fly's flew about her head, her mind consisted of blank space, as it currently was on exhibition at the Melbourne Art Museum in the 'Where's Wally' Section. Why you ask, well i don't know. But I'm the narrator here so SHUT THE HELL UP!

"Mm" Bella pondered as she picked at the grain in her teeth. "I wonder if I'll find more boring people, or make friends. Id love to make friends" she sighed as she stepped out of her interesting van. Her pale face in stark contrast to all the other pale faces, she completely stood out, i would have picked her straight away to live in Arizona.

"Nice van" said an equally pale person.. i mean apart from him being black and all.

"oh no! don't talk to me! I'll have to be interesting! i can't do that!" she said, in her manly voice that her father taught her.

"It's okay Bella" said Kate whom was now wearing a 'I Yodel For Jesus' T-shirt. "I'll be you friend".

Bella looked at Kate quizzically and started to eat her hair. "WHAT THE HELL!" Kate shouted, flinging her arms about wildly as the armadillo swooped down and slapped her in the face with its awesome Ninja Skills.

Suddenly a giant Epic fight went on with Kate and The TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA ARMADILLO!... and Bella just sat there, eating her hair, and munching on Jessica Stanly's lovely face, being boring and clutching her Cacti.

"Oh god." Bella mumbled as she looked over the fight towards the canteen doors.

In comes Emmett and Rosalie. Bella sat there watching as Rosalie adjusted her dollar sign Knuckle-Buckles and as Emmett pumped up his....train set.

"Who are they" she asked Skank face... ahh i mean Jessica.

Jessica turned and basically shouted above the crowd, everyone attention was diverted as they stared at her. Even Kate and the Armadillo which now for some reason was wearing a leotard and holding a pie stopped.

"They are the Cullen's. That's Rosalie the pimp and her Hoe Emmett." She pointed towards the two people, who now were very inconspicuously rubbing up against one another.

Bella looked towards the door again, just in time to see another..THAT'S RIGHT ANOTHER set of people enter.

Jessica snorted as she looked at the two. "That's Alice, she's a TOTAL space head, and jasper he's a sex addict. That's why he's always looking in pain."

"Do they always wear white?" Bella asked. Completely unaware to the fact that the people were GREY not WHITE.

"Yes they do. they are the Cullen's and Cullen's are MANLY MEN" Charlie said, sneaking up on Bella in the middle of the school still holding his gun and defiantly not looking like a pedophile AT ALL.

"Oh and who is that?" Bella said, pointing towards a man who was Grey and good looking. Even if his hair WAS the height of the ceiling.

Bella loved big hair, it always reminded her of Arizona. When she would run among the fields and eat the hay bails. She instantly was like a horse and to keep it Pg we would say that any contact of any kind would be called...Bestiality.

Edward looked over Kate and the Armadillo, who at this stage were now fighting teachers with fish. A slap to the face here, maybe a bit there...

Any way where was i... oh yes.

Edward looked over the Scene and straight at Bella, He hadn't always been like this. He was Shy and Nice, but when he decided that 108 years of going at it alone was bad for your sight-even if you DO regenerate-he decided he would get laid once and for all.

So skipping a major boring scene of meeting more boring people who comment on Bella's skin tone when they are possibly JUST as pale we get to the BIOLOGY LAB.

Bella whinied as she trotted through the Bio room doors, her tail and mane swatting Mike Newton in the face, who collapsed to the floor holding himself in a very bad way. When Bella smelt something.

What Bella smelt was hobo.

Turning around she looked down at the two empty seats, one next to Edward, one next to some random woman with fake boobs who was in the Porno fantasy book but not the movie adaption-TAKE THAT YOU INTERESTING CHARACTER YOU!

But only to find that the one next to Lauren wasn't empty at all! IT had a hobo! Who, at the moment was selling his clothing for a Tv.

"I will sell you my Cacti" Bella said to the hobo. "For your clothes".

The hobo considered but rejected it since wearing stinky clothes may make her interesting, which would be a shame because we all love her like this .

Trotting over to the seat next to Edward she sat down, her mane hitting Edward in the face. Who growled.

Edward Leaned forward, he hadn't always been like this. He had once been eating people in various ways, the neck the thigh, the face. INNUENDO.

HIs face was inch's from Bella, and her breathe was coming in loud snorts, while he wasn't breathing at all, and his shark eyes looked straight into hers.

"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!" he shouted as he lunged towards her, only Kate swung past on a vine with Tarzan shouting some odd profanity as she smashed through the window and hit a passing by truck that happened to be taking a short cut through the school.

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LOL. i think this chapter just got weirder but oh hell! WHO CARES!

and as Edwards says "GIMME REVEIWS OR I'LL EAT YOUR SOUL!"


	3. 1800IHORSEYOU

**TWAZOID- WHAT IF IT WERE INTERESTING**

Hey guys! Hope you like this chapter, I'm dishing them out for you all, though whats with the lack of reviews SPREAD THE DAMN WORD PEOPLE!! I WANT MY STORY TOLD, OF HOW THE HAIR FELL IN LOVE WITH THE HORSE.

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**TWAZOID- 1800-I-HORSE-YOU**

Bella yawned as she woke up in her vomit sheets. She should have felt worried that Edward looked like she was going to eat her, and he basically said that he wanted her soul. But instead she felt elated. And even as its been weeks since she say Edward- She knew because she counted and had an internal monologue that held as much emotion as a milk carton-She still wanted him to ride her. Because she's a horse that is.. What did i think i meant you sick F-..

"ELLIE!" turning around i looked at Kate, who was covered in some gooey substance.

"Uhh Kate.. you can't be in here. I'm WRITING" i gestured towards the small laptop on my bed.

"YES! you wrote me into a DEAD SCENE! YOU KILLED ME OFF!" she screamed, throwing a parrot at me.

"Obviously i didn't. Your talking are you not!" i shouted back, throwing Mario and Luigi at her.

"Because it was a MARSHMALLOW TRUCK!" she screamed.

"Oh well...Yes you see. hey hang on a second!" why am i typing this? THIS SHOULDN'T BE IN HERE! so because i am a god among characters im just going to do this.

Suddenly kate flew up into the sky and her final words echoed around the town "Go eat a watermelon!!!!!"

Any back to chapter.

Bella drove to school in her personality truck, glad to have made friends who were as boring as her. As she drove she wondered what it might have been like if she still lived in sunny Arizona. She imagined walking to school in a burker with an umbrella, making sure not a single drop of sunlight hit her. She clutched her Cacti to her chest, she probably should have put it down, but as she is so boring and obviously reminds us of a bobble head dog..or horse, she forgot to open the car door, and in turn smashed the cacti so it broke all over her. She sat in the car for about three hours, crying over the remains of her beloved Cacti.

Finally when it got to Nine O'clock Bella entered the school, walking beside Jessica Skanky and Mike Newtooth, her totally interesting friends.

"I'm going to class. Goodbye Jessica, enjoy your big boob top" Bella said, her deep voice startling Jeremy behind her who fell into a giant unneeded pot of jelly. Bella trotted up to the Jelly and nibbled it, but deciding it wasn't horse enough for her she walked away, her manly gait knocking over the jelly which then turned into a Armadillo, which then blew bubbles, which then set of the fire alarm, which then led Tarzan to come and fight it, which then made Kate come and dance in her "I'm With Horsey" top, which then pointed to Bella, which then leads us back to our story.

Bella walked into the biology class, and hung up her coat, exposing her odd pale skin in a town that barely gets any sunshine, when mike came up behind her and shock his hat full of water on her.

"How you like that? haha Arizona, how you like that! See how cool i am, and you just smile! LOOVE ME!" he shouted, only to be hit in the head by Eric, who possibly is the only different looking person.

Bella, to boring to express her self, remembered her fathers guiding words. "Bella. You are a Manly man, and a manly man is boring. Be a manly man, walk like a manly man, feel like a manly man" Oddly Bella turned and noticed her father siting under her teachers desk, holding a megaphone, whispering words like her subconscious mind. "Manly man..manly man..be a manly maaaannn..."

Walking over to her desk, Bella shifted her mane, hiding her long snout from the constantly staring Edward.

"Hello. I didn't introduce myself properly. I'm Edward, I'm a Virgin" he said, smiling. His eyes barely different, but oh so noticeably gold. "Your Bella. The girl who looks like a horse, the one i will fall in love with, just because i can't hear your thoughts."

Bella nodded her head, no matter that she been thinking about him for ages, she just bobbed her head.

"Opps, there was a breeze" she said, as her head kept bobbing, causing her to hit her head on the desk.

"Woooah there" he muttered grabbing her head and sniffing her neck. "You smell great. Like urine and pine. Perfect"

"I enjoy urine" Bella said. for no apparnt reason.

"I want to eat you" Edward muttered, staring hungraliy at Bella.

Bella sat very still for a second, then, for the first time in her whole life, gained a personality..well for a minute at least.

"you want to what!" she laughed, a mixture between a cough and a fit.

"I want to eat you. Its very simple" he said, confused.

"Eat me!" she shouted back at him.

"I shouldn't" he muttered, fiddling with his top. "Carlisle says it becomes addictive".

And while this exchange went on, two people were under different assumptions, she thinking he meant it in a good/bad way, him thinking he meant it in a '_i wanna bite you and drink your blood way'_. But as we all love Bella boring, she quickly came back to herself.

"Well. It was nice talking to you Edward, i have to leave now with my headphones in my nose" and she galloped away, not before raising her tail and letting out a lovely waft of smell for the class.

Bella stood at her personality Ute, looking pale, boring and gay-HAPPY! SHEEZ- listening to her ipod, if only she noticed she had parked the car in a NO PARK ZONE.

suddenly, a car came spinning around the bend, barely big enough to kill a mouse, and actually a mouse was in the car!

"Watch out Bella!" shouted Tyler, while his remote controlled V8 went over the speed limit, and hit a remain of marshmallow, no thanks to Kate!

If Bella had a brain she would have moved, she could seriously hurt her shin with the speed it was going! but instead she stood there, let out a nervous gas, and waited for the doom to hit her.

Instead a tree fell down and knocked out Edward, whom was attached to a ricochet that he pulled out his pocket to launch him at Bella. The tress smashed into a thousand pieces and Edwards face landed on Bella's....Aircoushins.

"ARGE!" Edward shouted! "i got to second third base!"

Bella sat on the cold floor, staring at Edward who quickly lept away, a happy swagger to his step, as he had just felt man boob.

"Bella! Bella! Are you Okay!" Jacob shouted, appearing out of nowhere with a "TEAM JACOB" shirt on and a fluffy tail.

"I am fine. I was saved by Edward. He is Fast" she said, he eyes going crisscross as a fly landed on her nose.

"I LOVE YOU BELLA!" Jacob shouted, eating the fly off her nose.

Kate popped out of the field, holding a big Bling Bling necklace that said 'Writers Block' and placed it around my neck, shouting "IT'S MY TURN TO BE THE AUTHOR FWHAHHAHAHAHA".

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Yes well. Writers block, no doubt. And here is kate, Take it away kate with CHAPTER FOUR.

dun dun DUN DUN!  
i like reviews better then insulting horses =]


	4. Manly men have moustaches!

**TWAZOID- MANLY MEN HAVE MOUSTACHES**

Okay, big thanks to Kate whom wrote this! YEHAW

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Three seconds later…  
Charlie stormed into the hospital in which Bella was resting, flinging the doors open and knocking out a nurse, "Bella. You had me worried. But now that I see you are okay, I must go back to my work as police chief of a town nobody cares about. Because I am a manly man, and manly men have manly jobs." As Charlie walked towards the doors just as Doctor Carlizzle entered the room in a very non manly fashion, with his hands held at his waist and carrying a bag containing a Chihuahua.  
"Ah, Doctor Cullen! You're a manly man; because Cullen's are manly men..."Charlie stated, but was cut off by a high pitched giggle. "Oh, Mr. Swan, you flatter me, but call me Carlizzle, dear." Carlizzle interjected, leaving a puzzled look on Charlie's manly face. "Now I really must attend to your…" Carlizzle recoiled in horror as he glanced up at Bella, and came face to face with an expressionless horse. "HORSE?!" Carlizzle shrieked, causing the Chihuahua to jump out of the handbag and throw itself out the window.  
"NOOOO! Not Mr. Fuzzenstein!" Carlizzle Cried, arms outstretched to the CLOSED window, when suddenly Edwierd and Rosalbitch burst into the room, "What the hell is going on in here?" Questioned Rosalbitch loudly, making her Adams apple bob up and down like Bella in a tumble drier.  
"Mr. Fuzzenstien! He committed suicide!" Carlisle sobbed then crawled to the corner of the room.  
"Nobody cares about Mr. Fuzzenstien, You metro sexual weirdo!" Screamed Edwierd, "What we really care about is Bella! How are you, my horsey little… um, Bella." Edwierd Questioned.  
Bella opened her mouth to reply, but Charlie answered for her; "Nobody cares about Horseface either. Edweird, you're a manly man. I bet you punched that car into pieces. As manly men do, because I would have done that, because I am a manly man." He stated, in a manly voice, because he is a man.

"Well technically, Bella saved me, with her…air cushions" Edweid answered.

"Edwierd," Charlie started, with a manly gleam in his eyes… (sexual much?), "I don't need technicality, I have a moustache, and manly men have moustaches. Because I am a manly man! You would understand this, because we are both manly men." Charlie finished, with a triumphant look upon his manly face.

"Dad, weren't you leaving?" Bella asked.  
"That's Chief to you, horseface. Anyway, I best be off. MANLY MAN AWAAAY!" Charlie shouted, as he jumped out of the CLOSED window, landing on the giant armadillo and galloping off into the sunset.

"Well, your free to go." Carlizzle announced, running out the door in an extremely girly way before Rosalbitch whispered to Bella; "Oh, and don't go back to school, nobody likes you. Edwierd told me" and then she transformed into a frog and jumped out the CLOSED window.  
"Edwierd, I want an explanation!" Bella demanded, bobbing her head up and down furiously, so when she stopped, she had to bend over to pick up her brain.

Whilst staring at Bella's ass (aha, horse, donkey), Edwierd mumbled under his breath; "imunna' get me summa' that fine horse booty". In gangsta' speak.  
"Edwierd did you say something?" Bella asked, as she stuffed stray bits of brain up her nose and ears, only to sneeze, spraying brain juice and mucus all over Edwierds face. This made him rather erect… stand straight. INNUENDO. Edward shook his head and Bella went back to reassembling her brain.

"Edward, you stopped the remote control V8, you pushed it away with your..." Bella pondered this for a moment, "Wait, you didn't do anything! Dammit, you got hit by a tree! What is wrong with you?"  
"I'm attracted to you because you smell like urine, mixed with the kernels 12 secret herbs and spices?" Edwierd replied uncertainly.  
"Oh, good explanation, I mean, I wouldn't of been able to come up with that, on a count of me being incredibly boring... anywho, wanna make out?" Bella suggested.  
"Yeah, um, about that" Edward mumbled, then pointed out the window, "Hey! It's Jesus!" He yelled, then ran out the doors, knocking out the nurse that just got up.  
"What do you want?" Jesus asked angrily as he flew through the CLOSED window. "Wait. You! Horse, don't look at me like that! NOO." Jesus screamed as Bella ate his beard and jumped out the CLOSED window.  
"God, someone should really open this window, someone could get seriously hurt". Jesus said as he opened the window. Just then, Ellie flew straight into the OPEN window, and landed with a thud in the garden.  
"WHAT THE HELL?" Screamed Jesus, as he closed the window, and jumped out of it.


	5. Holy Beatch

_Hey people._

_Well, Ellie's soaking up some sun in the bahamas (no, not really. Queensland) so the reins are mine._

_Oh right, who am i?_

_Just some deranged girl called Kassy._

_And, um, i'm sorry about this chapter. And the length - i just couldnt shut up._

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**TWAZOID - HOLY BEATCH**

After all this excitement – yes, Jesus _is_ considered exciting...uhh – we cut to Bella's boring bedroom. Waking up from an amazing feat – seizuring while sleeping – Bella whinnies in surprise to see Spunkward perving on her.

"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!" he says, before jumping out of the _open _window. Seeing as this movie has a _beyond_ awesome director, we now cut to the school where Bella is staring hauntedly at a marshmallow. Mike Newtooth is asking the horse to go to prom with him.

"You're alive! So let's go to prom? LOVE ME!" he cries, while she munches on Angela's hair distractedly. Of course, when Spunkward comes along, carrying a pineapple – for no apparent reason – she ignores everything else and just stares at him like the deranged horse she is. Still parked in the non parking space, Bella swishes her long tail this way, and that way and contemplates what licking a fish would be like.

Because she's _just that interesting. _

Disclaimer: Isabella Swan is, in no way, interesting, or ever will be.

"Prom, dancing? BEING INTERESTING? I JUST CAN'T DO THAT!" she neighs, hyperventilating because she has an unattainable amount of confidence. Suddenly, Charlie pops out of nowhere, holding a long rod and rubbing it distractedly. He uses the rod for fishing. INNUENDO!

"Bella, I am a man. And I have a manly job and a manly house. Because I am a man. When I am not working, I go fishing, because fishing is a manly thing to do. So lower your voice. Manly men do not have high voices, because they are men. And you are the daughter of a manly man, because I am a manly man, so therefore, you must be a manly man." He says, chagrin obvious on his manly face. Because he is a man.

Bella chides herself for being so interesting and bobs her head up and down like a little bobble head dog. She continues to munch on Angela's hair. Charlie looks around the school and notices Spunkward trying to sing to a pie, yet failing miserably.

"A real manly man!" he says in his manly voice – because he is a man – while Kate, wearing an I SEE DEAD PEOPLE shirt walks by, talking to her giant armadillo.

Suddenly, Robert Pattinson – dressed in a green plaid shirt, accompanied by his hot hobo boyfriend, Tom Sturd, who is wearing a Team Edward shirt – walks up to Spunkward, asking him why his hair is so large. Bella is instantly transported back to Arizona, where she had her beloved Cacti. Oh, the things she did to that Cacti...

Like giving it water.

And sunlight.

God, what were you dirty people thinking about?

SUDDENLY, Jacob Black pops out of Bella's truck – where he'd been stowed away – wearing a tennis skirt and pink cashmere sweater, holding a banjo, and starts doing a tribal dance, singing a song about the drover's boy.

"MOUSTACHE!" Charlie says to nobody in particular, before flying away on a super moustache with wings. Jessica Skankface comes up to the crowd then, with Jacob still dancing, and addresses horsefa-Bella.

"I like me some petunias." She says skankily in gangster speak, while Spunkward eats the pie he was formerly trying to sing to.

And then a green midget falls out of the sky, doing an Irish dance.

Skipping a boring field trip scene which nobody cares about, we arrive at Bella's house where she drops her school bag. Coordination!

"I talked to your mother on the telephone. She shows emotion in her words."

Bella rolls her eyes and doesn't bother to pick up her bag.

"That's your fault. You shouldn't have told her about the accident." She says in as manly a voice she can manage. Because it's so wrong to tell Bella's mother that she was nearly killed; I'm sure she didn't want to know.

"Bella. I am a man. And because I am a man and do not understand emotion, I must assume that her face is different because she had some kind of surgery."

Bella sighs intelligently and nods, before walking off. Because this scene is just so important.

We arrive back at the school in the cafeteria now, where Jacob black is sitting – even though he doesn't go to this school – inconspicuously touching a jellyfish...in all the wrong places.

Like the tentacles.

You don't touch the tentacles; they sting.

You have a dirty mind.

Bella is standing at the lunch line, stroking a piece of corn, when Spunkward walks up to her and whispers in her ear, "Your soul will taste good." She turns around, startled, only to find a giant armadillo krumping behind her. She shrugs and continues to stroke the corn, which is _oh-so-strokable._ While walking up to her table, Spunkward suddenly steps in front of her, effectively cutting off her path.

"Wanna come to the beach?" she asks him. He shrugs.

"No, not really." Bella narrows her eyes suspiciously.

"I can see what you're trying to put off, but I can see it's just to keep you away from me. It's a mask." He eyes her dubiously.

"No, I just don't like you. You look like a horse." He says simply.

"Why am I so boring?" she asks distractedly, looking for some hay to munch on.

"Because...because...I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!" He says, magically magic-ing a Dracula cape and flying into the wind. Bella throws an apple at him and it just misses his head, which is excitable enough for Bella. She turns up her iPod so she can hear Katy Perry's _Hot & Cold_ remix through her headphones.

...Meanwhile, somewhere in Australia, a random kangaroo dies.

We cut now to La Push, where everybody is sitting in vans. Because all teenagers drive vans. Unfortunately, Bella's personality truck is missing. Ellie is frolicking somewhere in QLD, having _family time._ And Kassy is, um, high. You think I'm writing this...sober? Oh, how naive.

Suddenly, the entrancing Quil jumps out of the shadows, his dark curls whipping around his handsome, chiselled face. Um, Embry comes too. As Quil and Embry approach the group, Kate rushes forward – wearing a THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN shirt – and takes Quil aside, to give him a stern talking to.

"Now, Quil." She says, "My friend Kassy, who is beyond awesome, likes you." Quil quirks a quizzical eyebrow and prompts her to go on. "I want...I want you to let her write with you. Because you are Quil and that would be very sexual." Quil's expression turns one of bewilderment and he opens his mouth to speak,

"I will not let that girl write with me! I am no common Quil!" he screams in outrage. Kate's mouth sets into a tight line of determination, and we are momentarily distracted by Carlizzle running past like a fag, screaming in a high pitched voice,

"MR FUZZENSTEIN!" He runs into the sea and, um...Jack sparrow saves him. Happy now, Kate?

Anyway, back to the story.

"If you don't let Kassy write with you," She hisses angrily, "I will tell _everybody_ that you're having it on with Sam Uley!"

Quil gasps in shock.

"NO! THEY MUSN'T KNOW!" he says, astonished. Kate eyes suddenly go very wide and she falls onto the ground, laughing her ass off, while Quil shifts uncomfortably. "I mean...it's not as if we _ever_ use whips and chains, or anything, even if leather _does_ make my perfect ass look extremely good..." he tries to backpedal, but Kate just pats him on the shoulder, and says,

"It's okay, Quil. I was a banana once, too."

When Kate and Quil come back to the group, Bella is trying to munch on Jacobs hair, while the others are going off to surf in the 10 degree ocean water.

Eleanor walks past at that moment, with the hot actor guy that plays Shakespeare in _Shakespeare in love_. Kristen and Ash run behind her, Kristen screaming "HE'S MINE!" and Ash simply singing the banana phone song.

"Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, BANANA PHONE!"

Kassy is sitting there, reading an outrageously weird book called _twilight_, and wondering why Bella was made so boring, when Quil walks over to her and kisses her on the cheek. Kassy looks up in surprise.

"Quil? What's up?" she asks in her extremely awesome voice.

Quil is silent. "If you don't talk to me, Quil...so help me, I'll make you _gay_ in Lost!" Quil stays silent.

"With...with _Embry_!" Quil blanches, yet remains silent. Mimicking typing on a keyboard, Kassy narrates, _"Quil prowled over to Embry with a sensual look in his eyes. 'Are you ready for me, big-'" _Suddenly, Jesus appears, doing the chicken dance, making Kassy run off to chase him.

Meanwhile, on the beach, Jacob is talking to Bella about something. "Did you know that I was a wolf?" he asks sexually, skirting around a giant octopus in his path.

"Really? Like, a real wolf?" she asks in her man voice.

"No. A freaking pretend wolf._ Gosh!_" Bella starts to munch on his hair, so he comes up with a more direct approach.

"Vampires exist." He says simply. Bella replies with a surprised,

"Fuck."

* * *

_Once again, sorry._

_Please review._


	6. Get your soul in my car right now!

**TWAZOID- GET YOUR SOUL IN MY CAR RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME!!**

yes, it is Ellie again, the original author whom got abducted by cairns aliens.

but i am back now.

and i have pen and paper!

--actually its a shiny laptop with graffiti on it--

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Bella sat on her bed and crossed her hoofs.

"Why oh magic author who originally wrote me as an incredibly boring character, did you decide to turn me into a movie. In which Kristen Stewart and Cathrin hardwick became the oh so infamous me?" Bella pondered, as she pulled out a mirror and it shattered into a hundred thousand million billion --two days later-- pieces... which she then smelt..and ate..

Charlie slammed opened the door in an intense karate fight with chuck Norris.

"Bella!" Charlie cried as he grabbed chuck by the shaft....

what? you erect me..ahem expect me.. to right something saying how dirty minded you are i meant the poll in his head...?

Well im not, i ment what i said. penis, baby maker, giver of seeds, the farmer, Mr.T?

urhm.. where was i..

oh right.

"Bella! I have to shout your name loud, as i fight, because i am a manly man. and as a manly man i may grope other manly men, as this is not considered homosexual. See here as i grab hold of chucks..chuck? you must learn as one day, you shall take hold of the balls of life, and grip it firmly" charlie continued with this state of mind. not noticing that Bella was all the while on the way to port angeles with her boring mates .

Letting go of chucks privets, he stared around the room.

"WHat we going to do now?" Chuck Norris asked, walking up to Charlie.

Charlie spun around. "Wanna fuck?"

* * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * *

Bella walked down the streets, showing all the males her well prized ass -ahem, her donkey boy- glad she was free from the boring jess'a'whore and her "i like this dress, it makes me look like a hoe'.

"Hello" Bella stuttered, talking to the big man behind the conter of a store, selling storys of vampires and werewolfs.

"You know you smell like leech.. right?" he said, looking at her suspicilly.

quickly she pulled up her top and removed the leech sucking her blood off her belly. "Sorry" she muttered.

"thats right, you should be. here's your book. you boring crazy son-of-a-bitch".

Bella strolled out the bookstore, suprised that the time of day had changed from afternoon to midnight in like, what 30 minutes? shit house producers...

ahem..

"oi!" shouted a male, drunk and stumbaling, completly unaware of the ninja armidillo sniffing his ass.

"you have an arm up your ass" bella said, pointing at him.

"WHAT! that was two WEEKS AGO! how do you..- he trailed off, noticing the armiillo looking shy and nervous. suddenly they started making out... what??... its not a story without bestiality!

"freaks" she mumbled, walking no faster, even though she was about to..

SUDENLY!

6 guys jumped out cornering her.

"dont touch me" she shouted, kicking her back leg out into a guys groin... he felt no pain.. he was a she'man.

"shit" she mumbled, she was being attacked by SHE'MEN!!!

suddenly a car swerved aroun the corner, bella waited for it to stop, but was suprised when it spun out of control, taking out two she'men and rolled 5 times, coming to a gracefull, bloodsplattering stop.

she bent down and started cleaning up the mess with her tounge. "mhhm" she mummbled.

"BELLA! get in the damn car!" edward shouted, coming out from nowhere.

bella boringly turned her ugly face towards the car..

.....

....which was on fire.

"uhm edward" she pointed towards the car.

"oh.. right.. well thats a stick up the arse isn't it" he mumbled.

"anyway want to come into a dark alley with me so we can go F--

"Bella!" kate - wearing an armidillo hat and no pants- and charlie shouted, simutaliously.

"what the fuck???" she said.

"BELLLA! LOVE ME!!" jacob shouted, climing out of kates armidillo hat.

"what the fuck are you doing to this story ellie?!" shouted them all, pointed accusing fingers at me.

"Listen, i have a cold" i shouted. " i havnt slept in four days, my nose hurts and i look like hell. shut up its my story!"

"yeah" they mumbled, " you do look like shit.."

i rolled my eyes "well thanks guys"

"no problem... so what you gunna do about us?" they asked, curious.

"i'll rename you edward wallbanger.. edward" i said, giving him an evil eye.

"oh crap you hear that?" he sqeaked, turning red.. even though he has no blood.

"I WANT YOUR SOUL BELLA!" he shouted as he turned into a bat and flew away, but got stuck in bella's hair.

"arge! shit get out edward! i feel so violated!" she sqeaked, waving her hands. edward suddenly turned into himself again.. still stuck in her hair.

they callapsed to the ground.

"edward! your so cold!" bella said.

"distract me bella" he said, looking evil and devious.

"uhhm edward. you were ment to say that awhile ago. in the car...- bella trailed off.

"oh right. well damn. this chapters gone to the crapper aint it?" he said, his voice changing into cockney english.

"sigh......"

___________________________________

sorry bout the chapter. my symptons are true ): reviews make me better (:


	7. My God! I know what you are!

**TWAZOID: OH GOD, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!**

and oh god! its been ages since i last updated and im soo sorry, i got really sick and then to top it of my INTERNET crapped out on me!!  
forgive me and dont try kill me!

xo

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I planned to confront him today at school.

but i got so worried and then the squirel started mouthing off at me that i totaly forgot. so by at least 10pm i finally noticed something was diffrent. "Ohh shit" i whineed, rubbing my head againgst the ground.

what was i ment to do!

i sat down and strocked my mane.

play with mane- check. eat broken glass-check. lift up tail for no reason- check. tell edward i think he was a vampire- check... wait oh no!

______________________

3 days later i planned to confront him, but i got so distracted by a squirrel mouthing of at a... DEJAVOU!

i walked to school, past the armidillo man and up over the moat, the bridge troll popped out and started talking about my mane and how it rivaled billy goats gruff's one so we had a jolly good laugh and skipped down the yellow brick road to Knifes highschool... forks.

(fork it! hehe, who said i was boring! oh right, me, the author. but i am in a jolly good mood because im british, so for no reason, i shall make them drink tea and talk about scones.)

back to bella-

Bella played with her mane, stroking it until she tripped over mike newton.

"Bella! it is me! annoying penis face man, who has no real roll to the story what so ever, but, i make it infuriating and angst ridden! shall we go make sweet beastiality in the broom closet that rivals severus snapes fanfic by my friend kate!" mike shouted, lunging at bella and grabbing her lumps....

oh jelly... in a bowl on her head.? (*shrugs*)

"i am sorry mike, but i do not enjoy normal things, i shall be the forty year old virgin, who wants to make sweet fuck with- suddenly charlie bursted in the room out of the broom closet mike was talking about with Carlisle.

"OOOOOH CHARLIE!" Cooed Carlisle, stroking charlies long, hard.... gun barrel. "Its so hard!" charlie truned around in a pink hawian shirt holding the small poodle.

"YEs, because i am a manly man with manly parts, who doesnt compensate with guns because my penis is large and manly and we do manly things together like golf and masturbation" charlie replied.  
and for extra imput *INNUENDO* thrusted into the gun barrel, causing Carlisle to accidently shot him in the dingaling.

"OH GOD!" shouted Carlisle and charlie at once, carlisle in enjoyment and dirty fun and charlie in pleasure. "Im a doctor, i'll help you with that!" Carlisle shouted. It was getting a bit to freaky and bellas mobile phone ran out of space so she couldnt record it all and place it on youtube, so she left, walking towards the school, remembering 4 days ago today when she read that book that told her everything about edwards type.

---------------------------------------------4 days ago.

The idiots guide to vampires~

Edwards a vampire, do him bitch-

--present

Bella strolled up to edward, who was strocking himself while looking into a playboy magizine named "Cold Hard Bitch".  
Insted of being interesting and starting a argument in the school leading to hard beastialtiy by edward and bella and an armildilo, she walked past.

And edward being the cold fucking hot sick as manly bitch horse fucker he is, followed.

Suddenly bella stopped and turned to face edward who looked like he had serious blue balls. which he did, he is cold and dead after all.... oh and he was looking at bellas cute horse butt.

"I know what you are" bella said, walking around edward, who stood very still.  
"Your fast, i watched you jack off the other day through your window and you were done in secounds" she muttered. "Your so cold, i want to lick you but am frightened i'll get frost bite".

Edward kept watching this all very stotic like, even though kate was on her knees in front of him bobing up and down.  
"What are you doing kate!" Bella shouted.  
Kate turned around poointing to his shoes. "It worked on harry potter" she said with a wink.  
Suddenly she evaporated leaving behind nothing but a small hahahaah.

"where was i" bella mumbled, while edward walked up to her and started eating her hair and sniffing her neck.  
"Say it" he mumbled, licking her eyeball. "Out loud"

"YES!" Bella shouted, making edward think he did something very naughty to her, but then he heard the sound of mario cart racing.  
"Oh bitch i am so going to own you!" he shouted joining in. three hours later edward sat on a tree staring down at bella. "Im a vampire" he said, sniffing her neck.

"Bite me bitch" she mumbled, pushing him out of a tree. "i'll do more then that" he mumbled.

Suddenly Alice jumped past and into screen shot.

"Yaaaaaay!" she screamed happily! "Finaaaaly i get a part in this!"

Jasper, Rosealie, Emmett and Esme popped up looking pissed.

"Yeah Ellie! what the hell is up woth that, arnt we good enough for you or something!" the shouted.

Me, being Ellie, slowly backed away towards Edward.

"Save me Edward!" i shouted lunging on to his back and promptly hitting Bella in the face. "of corse Ellie, you are so beautiful and interesting lets make sweet non beastialty love. My family, she is MINE!"

Edward shouting, slapping my butt (*LMAO*)

everyone looked awkward...

"ellie your messed" emse said, looking worried.

"Yeah your a fucker" alice mumbled, grouping jasper.

"dude everyone calm down!" Jasper muttered, accidently sending off lust waves.

Jacob popped out the bushes. "HEY LOOK A CONDOM AND A BANANA!" he shouted at bella, shoving the condom on and puting it in her mouth.

.....................

ON THE BANANA THAT IS!!!

Carlisle popped out in his malibu barbie outfit. "get back on track ellie!" he shouted, doing his hair.

"Yeah ellie! do you know how much interent costs to get broadband in heaven!" said jesus.

"Fine, Fine" i mumbled...

_____________________________

bit crazy there.... so .. yeah... enjoy!


	8. Explanation, Im wet fromRain

**TWAZOID: EXPLANATION. I'M WET FROM...RAIN, AND YOUR SUPPOSEDLY DRY!  
**

Hey everyone! yes i know, we get to hear a little background story from lovely Sexward-obsessed and Horella-Bella.

Sorry for the wait guys, and i fixed last chapter for those minor mistakes, any big ones can stay like they are :)  
Such as grammar and that wotnot.  
Usually i would care, but once i finish the story i may go back and fix up a hell of a lot of buggeration mistakes!

P.s- Firstly. Love me because I'm English.

Secondly. This will be my last chapter for two weeks. I'm going to Thailand =}

Thirdly. Dont hate me because i like tea, its a world win win situation.

Disclaimer- I don't own anything of Twilight's variation. No book rights, no nothing. I only steal characters that have been made, and turn them into something very strange and weird. Based upon my friends -that's a lie BTW, no one can possibly explain how odd THEY are-

Loves my lovelies-

Elli

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

**EPOV! ( yes i am aware that there isn't a real serious tense form in my story, but I'm trying get out a bit of Sexwards marvelously cool brain )**

"Sooo..." Bella pondered as i watched her step from rock to rock.

It doesn't matter that she is boring. It doesn't matter to me that she looks like a horse and smells twice as ugly.

(because that's how good my nose is.. i can SMELL ugly.. and what i'm smelling from you right now is a mixture between ugly and armadillo..)

"Soo.. what?" i replied, staring at her butt as she fell forward on he face, her ass sticking up in the air. I wonder what it would be like, to ride that butt. maybe we could win the Melbourne cup? few bits of leather.. a whip here and then and may-

"Edward! are you listning! i've been droning on about how come your in the light and how do you become a vampire in my stupid whiny voice and you havn't replied! Don't you love me Edward!" she wailed, flailing her arms about crazily.

I shot forward and wrapped my arms around her, her flshlight digging into my thigh. "bella of coarse i love you" i said back, sympathetically.

"even if you are a crazy, clingy, whiney bitch" i muttered, to low for human ears to hear.

But she wasn't a human...

she was a horse.

'And damn a fine one of that!' i thought grinning.

Bella looked at me oddly, possibly contemplating what to do, whether to eat my hair, or lick my nose. each are tempting i should now.

I've done it.

Give a vampire Cuervo and strip poker and some craaaazy shit can happen .

"Whats fine one of that?" She asked me curiously, her tounge darting up into her nostril. Damn.. what that tounge could do.

I thought back to the first day i saw Bella. When she walked into my life, my soul, my pants...

Well not my pants..

but i'd like her too.

"Just the veiw. So you know i am a vampire?" i questioned, raising my eyebrow sexily. i knew chicks digged that, Jessica sent me constant images about sex.

with me and her.

it was nauseating, because all i could think about now was sex.

with bella and me.

Bella and i.

Her fine rump and me.

horse.

Whimper.

i shook my head to bring myself back to the present.

"Yeah, i knew this book told me" with that she pulled a book out of Kates jumper.

That kate kid, she was everywhere, fricken in jello and whats the deal with the armadillo anyway?!

I looked into her brain and what i found repleled me.

It was her and the armadillo, walking along the beach hand in hand, each naked and laughing joyusly.

I freaked.

I yanked the book out of kates hands and pushed her off the cliff.

"what did you do that for?" bella asked with no emotion in her voice.

"She was having naughty thoughts". i said, flipping through the book and landed on the page about a girl nammed bella.

Horse-Bella-

She likes to be ridden.

Ride her.

Don't forget the whip!

Faggot.

Blinking i through the book to the ground just as it started raining.

"why am i all wet?" bella asked looking into the sky just as the armadillo walked by and pushed me.

"Oh, bitch face. whaddya do to my hoe, imma slap shit outta yo! grr, imma gangsta, im STEAMING MAD! grr ima gangsta! my Rhyhms are bad! i walk around with a stark erection! i just gave your mother a Yeast infection!" he started crumping and grabbed a nearby tree and grinded against it.

slowly backing away i grabbed bella and dragged her over to a small aclove of trees.

"im still wet" she mumbled, liking her chin.

i stared amazed, watching as her nose racked up her arm sexually and finally as her tounge cleaned her ear.

"you are amazing. " i said, amazed (obviously)

"you dry" she replied, looking t me quizicly.

"yes, yes i am" i said as i lunged at her and spun her around.

"now you are dry" i said smiling, and listed to the bugs thoughts.

'look at that chicks ARSE!' 'id bang that' 'dude, your penis is small' 'so she'd feel it' 'how! your a beetle!'

confused and... slightly freaked i left the chapter and visited ellie.

"hey ellie, your writings shit.!" i aid walking to her bed, on which she sat typing on spotted sheets and her laptop.

"yes edward, im aware. but i have block, and block kills me every second." she said, sighing and looking to me, her red glasses staring red .

"well go on holiday and relax. you need it" i said, looking her over she was fiiiinnnnnn--

"EDWARD!" she snapped. "Stop typing on the keyboard!"

"what!" i pouted, "just saying what we are all thinking!"

"Ellie what the hell?" kate said walking in the room. "What" i said, looking to ellie.

"what?" ellie said looking at both of us.

"Oh bloody hell, piss of you cu-

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WRITERS BLOCK! mlovelies. sorry for the shit chapter :) but i liked it so meh.


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